Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
