She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
