omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
