Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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