Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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