Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
