Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
