Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
