i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
