My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
