I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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