Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
being pregnant is like rehab
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
