Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
