My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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