Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
