You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
