batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
