I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
