yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
