Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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