sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
