Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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