wanna go halves on a baby?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I will be naked everywhere
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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