some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He passed out mid-signature
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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