You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
