I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
