I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Pants are for mortals
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
