The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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