i need an iv and a liver transplant
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
