I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
