remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
