So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize