come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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