the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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