Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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