there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
