Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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