I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
