my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
