woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
