My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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