There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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