i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
