last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we should paint friendship bongs
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