Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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