I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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