Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
