Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
No subtext here. People are naked.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
