Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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