how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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