I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
