Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
