i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
