I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
