They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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