I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
