I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
