I just threw up on my dentist
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
