so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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