There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
