Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Someone signed my nipple.
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