This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
