I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
