Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
