I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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