Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
