I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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