Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
