maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
FUCK WHALES
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize