hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
